One of the hardest parts about dealing with a food addiction is the ability to admit that you have a problem. I have known that I have had a problem with food since I was about 13 years old. I remember when it really hit me that I had this issue. I was selling candy bars for the 4-h club. I ate about 2 boxes of chocolate and these are big candy bars within a few weeks. When I would eat them I would get the soothing feeling of sheer bliss and happiness. After I finished one the reason that I ate it would come back. SO I would eat a few more. Over the course of the month I ate those boxes of candy bars. I was so ashamed because my mother had to cover the cost of the candy. I have to admit she never once said a word about it, and I am sure it was because she had no idea of my problem.
Another instance that I remember well is that my Great Grandmother sent a tin of cookies and cakes. I was so very upset from yet another horrible day of school and discovered this tin. I ate the entire tin over a weeks time. My mom went to go get some treats for my family and they were gone. She knew that I ate them because she asked and I attempted to lie. I don't know about you but I can not lie and not get caught. SO I had to tell my brothers why there was no cookies left, and that is what started the slippery slope into 20 years of eating my feelings away.
When I was happy - I would eat to celebrate. When I was sad - I would eat to soothe those feelings. When I was angry - well I never really let myself feel anger because it was bad to feel angry. When I was frustrated - I would eat. You can see as a teenager there is a whirlwind of feelings going on so that is alot of eating.
There are many things that I am ashamed off for eating during one of those emotional breakdowns but there is nothing I can do about it now besides learn from my mistakes.
So this time I am actually learning to feel. I didn't start to diet again until I started to get help with this issue. It would be pointless to lose all the weight again, and gain it back due to not learning anything from this.
I have been in therapy for my food issues since July of last year. I started doing my weight loss plan in August of last year. I am down 70 lbs and have another 20 that I would like to lose. That will put me on the thin side, but that is ok.
I find myself slipping sometimes and I have to use my new coping skills to deal with it. I allow myself to actually feel the feelings now instead of masking them with food. Because honestly the food never took the pain away. It helped for just a few brief seconds but the pain would come back and guilt would start from eating the food.
So this Blog will cover my journey from this point on of dealing with emotional eating, feeling the feelings again, interactions with people, job stresses and woes, and how it feels to finally be a former fat person in a new thin body..well almost thin..come on 20 lbs.
